9-year-old Emily was given an assignment in school to write a story on "My family's ancestors" The purpose was for the kids to understand their heritage.
In search of some answers for her assignment Emily proceeded to interview her grandmother who was not aware of the reason for Emily’s questions.
When she asked her grandmother, "Granny, where did I come from," her grandma being quite nervous about talking with a kid about such a touchy subject in the absence of her parents wanted to buy some time and replied, "Well, sweetie, the stork brought you." Hoping that the subject would be dropped until Emily's parents came back she said no more.
"So, where did Mom come from?"
"The stork brought her also."
"Well, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, sweetie."
"All right, thanks, Granny."
Emily's grandmother did not think anything more about this incident until three days later when she was tidying up and looking at Emily’s desk, read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
Monday, 18 April 2011
The Questions Kids Ask
four year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”
“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.
“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…
At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”
The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”
“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.
“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…
At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”
Real911 Calls
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
- Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
- Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
- Dispatcher: Excuse me?
- Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
- Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
- Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
- Dispatcher: 911
- Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
- Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
- Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
- Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
- Caller: No
- Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
- Caller: Running from the Police.
- Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
- Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
- Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
- Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
- Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
- Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
- Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
- Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Puppy Love
Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
Facts About Old Men and Women
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.
The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!
Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Strange headline news
A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.
A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.
Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.
Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.
Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.
Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
Attorney questioning
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.
Working cards at ATMs
One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:
[Person 1]: Gee, I don't get it..
[Person 2]: What's wrong?
[Person 1]: My card wont work.
[Person 2]: Did anything happen to it?
[Person 1]: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!
[Person 1]: Gee, I don't get it..
[Person 2]: What's wrong?
[Person 1]: My card wont work.
[Person 2]: Did anything happen to it?
[Person 1]: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!
Brezhnev at his speech
Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's (a former ruler of Russia) speeches ran six hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy. In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's (a former ruler of Russia) speeches ran six hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy. In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.
Call us for assistance
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'
The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
JoNN's Final Message(Horror)
My parents' room is a great place to sleep like a cat, when the sun comes in just right through the window. I stretched out like Blinkers, our tabby kitten, and finally fell asleep.
My mind is a virtual pit of dream ideas, and today I found myself envisioning our kitchen table, with my mother and her best friend Joann sitting across from one another at the table. My mother had tears running down her cheeks, and Joann looked serene and peaceful.
"I'm not going to be in this world for long," she was saying, patting my mother's trembling hand. "But I just want you to know that you're doing a great job with your kids."
Joann turned slightly to look at me and wave.
I jolted out of my dream, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Still groggy, I stumbled into the living room; leaning against the wall, I opened my mouth to say something to my mother. Then the phone rang.
I was closest, so I pulled the phone out of its charger. "Hello?"
It was Joanna's brother. I hated him. Back in the day, he'd hurt my mother somehow, and though I didn't know the details, I could feel my mother's resentment against him. So I hated him.
"I need to speak with your mom."
"No," I said flatly.
"Michael, please. I really need to. This is...it's important."
Only the hitch in his voice made me hesitate long enough for my mother to give me a quizzical glance and reach for the phone. I handed it over and disappeared into the bathroom to eavesdrop.
My mother burst out crying. I dashed to her aid; she had collapsed onto her knees, her face in her hands, the phone still to her ear.
"Mom, what happened? What's wrong?" My heart was in my throat, and I felt anger growing at Joann's brother -- the bastard.
My mother was too hysterical to speak, and it took three minutes to calm her down. Then she was able to haltingly tell me the story: Joann had just passed away, in her sleep, while taking a nap. At three o'clock.
I stood slowly, my hand slipping off my mother's shoulder. In a daze, I shuffled to my room and closed the door.
Three o'clock. The time I'd laid down to nap -- the same time I'd woken up.
I couldn't tell my mother.
My mind is a virtual pit of dream ideas, and today I found myself envisioning our kitchen table, with my mother and her best friend Joann sitting across from one another at the table. My mother had tears running down her cheeks, and Joann looked serene and peaceful.
"I'm not going to be in this world for long," she was saying, patting my mother's trembling hand. "But I just want you to know that you're doing a great job with your kids."
Joann turned slightly to look at me and wave.
I jolted out of my dream, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Still groggy, I stumbled into the living room; leaning against the wall, I opened my mouth to say something to my mother. Then the phone rang.
I was closest, so I pulled the phone out of its charger. "Hello?"
It was Joanna's brother. I hated him. Back in the day, he'd hurt my mother somehow, and though I didn't know the details, I could feel my mother's resentment against him. So I hated him.
"I need to speak with your mom."
"No," I said flatly.
"Michael, please. I really need to. This is...it's important."
Only the hitch in his voice made me hesitate long enough for my mother to give me a quizzical glance and reach for the phone. I handed it over and disappeared into the bathroom to eavesdrop.
My mother burst out crying. I dashed to her aid; she had collapsed onto her knees, her face in her hands, the phone still to her ear.
"Mom, what happened? What's wrong?" My heart was in my throat, and I felt anger growing at Joann's brother -- the bastard.
My mother was too hysterical to speak, and it took three minutes to calm her down. Then she was able to haltingly tell me the story: Joann had just passed away, in her sleep, while taking a nap. At three o'clock.
I stood slowly, my hand slipping off my mother's shoulder. In a daze, I shuffled to my room and closed the door.
Three o'clock. The time I'd laid down to nap -- the same time I'd woken up.
I couldn't tell my mother.
Birthday Surprise(Horror)
The night before my 19th birthday, my sister and I were at home in her large house; her husband was away on a business trip, and the nephews were at their father's house. It had been a quiet night; my sister was reading in her room, and I was texting my friends, a little excited for my upcoming birthday.
At 11:55 p.m., my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, calling to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. We started to talk about our days, and he was in the middle of a sentence when the call dropped. I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that it was midnight. There was still no service when I tried to call him back, so I went downstairs to use the land line.
I dialed his number, and the call went through right away. "Hey, baby, sorry, my phone cut out. Are you having fun?"
I almost dropped the phone in terror. It wasn't my boyfriend's sweet voice -- it was a deep, demonic rumble on the other end.
"Who is this?" I asked shakily.
"You know who this is."
I slammed the phone back on the wall and sprinted to my sister's room, so terrified that I jumped into bed beside her. When she asked me what had happened, I babbled my explanation. To my relief, she didn't laugh in my face; instead, she rubbed her bare arms and shivered.
"I've had a weird feeling since about midnight," she said in a quiet voice.
I nodded. Since the dropped call, I'd been feeling tingly, unsettled. We flipped on the TV for background noise and watched for a while.
The bathroom light flickered on and off by itself. I was too sleepy to move, and too scared to go to my own room, so I drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep for a while.
About an hour later, the feeling disappeared. I could breathe more easily, and I felt relieved, with no explanation. I crawled back to my own bed and fell asleep right away.
The next morning, the first thing I did was call my boyfriend. He answered with a slightly worried tone, but told me I'd never called him back.
When my sister got the phone bill, there was no record of me sending a call out to his number.
I still don't know who I spoke to that night.
At 11:55 p.m., my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, calling to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. We started to talk about our days, and he was in the middle of a sentence when the call dropped. I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that it was midnight. There was still no service when I tried to call him back, so I went downstairs to use the land line.
I dialed his number, and the call went through right away. "Hey, baby, sorry, my phone cut out. Are you having fun?"
I almost dropped the phone in terror. It wasn't my boyfriend's sweet voice -- it was a deep, demonic rumble on the other end.
"Who is this?" I asked shakily.
"You know who this is."
I slammed the phone back on the wall and sprinted to my sister's room, so terrified that I jumped into bed beside her. When she asked me what had happened, I babbled my explanation. To my relief, she didn't laugh in my face; instead, she rubbed her bare arms and shivered.
"I've had a weird feeling since about midnight," she said in a quiet voice.
I nodded. Since the dropped call, I'd been feeling tingly, unsettled. We flipped on the TV for background noise and watched for a while.
The bathroom light flickered on and off by itself. I was too sleepy to move, and too scared to go to my own room, so I drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep for a while.
About an hour later, the feeling disappeared. I could breathe more easily, and I felt relieved, with no explanation. I crawled back to my own bed and fell asleep right away.
The next morning, the first thing I did was call my boyfriend. He answered with a slightly worried tone, but told me I'd never called him back.
When my sister got the phone bill, there was no record of me sending a call out to his number.
I still don't know who I spoke to that night.
Friday, 15 April 2011
A Rich Man going to Heaven.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"
Tom's Note
Ol' Tom had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Tom's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Tom used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Tom died.
He said, "You know, Ol'Tom handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tom, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Damn, This pastor killled this young man, and kept his death note in his suit, i wonder what the crowd did..lol
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Tom used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Tom died.
He said, "You know, Ol'Tom handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tom, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Damn, This pastor killled this young man, and kept his death note in his suit, i wonder what the crowd did..lol
Ideal MAN
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
10 Husbands,Still A VIRGIN
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Deadly Fruit
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
A mime in a Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
American Vs Russia
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
$200bucks
" Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Eve and Adam
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"
Technical support from "Desperate"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 2.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 2.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Desperate
------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 2.0 is an operating system.
Install Tears 6.2 and enter the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
Husband 2.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 2.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 2.0.
In summary, Husband 2.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 2.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 2.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Desperate
------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 2.0 is an operating system.
Install Tears 6.2 and enter the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
Husband 2.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 2.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 2.0.
In summary, Husband 2.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0
Tech Support
Nine months later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry ,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do 'said Bob'.
'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn, this IS Amazing, this Bob of a guy taught he was too smart, but in the end he was just a nutty Zebra, with a long neck and no sense. lol, i will do the same if i was him, HAHA, just saying, but if i know there is money involved i wont do as he did. (:
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry ,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do 'said Bob'.
'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn, this IS Amazing, this Bob of a guy taught he was too smart, but in the end he was just a nutty Zebra, with a long neck and no sense. lol, i will do the same if i was him, HAHA, just saying, but if i know there is money involved i wont do as he did. (:
Monday, 11 April 2011
Tales Zone(Come,Read and Share): A welcome Funny Tale
Tales Zone(Come,Read and Share): A welcome Funny Tale: "Hello, i know what your thinking right now, what tale is she about to tell me, anyway you will know it soon, this is my first tale, an..."
A welcome Funny Tale
Hello, i know what your thinking right now, what tale is she about to tell me, anyway you will know it soon, this is my first tale, and its funny, unlike other ones you might come across, maybe sorrowful, scary,horror,heart breaking and unbelievable, but believe me many of this stories are very real and i will get proves to support them, if i can, I will dig deep down in the internet that is if there is a deep down in the internet, lol. Thats by the bush let get by the way, i heard this tale from my grand mother, she told me that her grand mother told her, and her grand mother who mothered her mother told her mother too, and the mother of the mother who mothered her other mother also told her mother too, so maybe this is a mother tale and mind you, make sure your tell your children so they can tell their kids about you, and their mothered mother who passed the story alone, please i did not say "Murder" before you plan on murdering me lol. Now its time to hear the tale of mother, maybe i'm wrong, but i am right, that i am wrong is coz you say so, but i might be right and you might be wrong, whichever is true. Now the story time, this tale happened very long time ago, when the world was full with semi darkness, half light half darkness, a little town called "Milikies" then, had a king named "Bustafa" his wife "Bennitea" and Daughter "Venixxe" This King had a wonderful family and he ruled this town in a good way, but there was something that took place in that town that don't usually happen this days, they hang thieves in the market square, necked, after this thieves are dead they cut their heads off and hang it on the fence demarcating the small town from the outside world for 1 week, before they finally bury the bodies and head of the dead criminal, this has been a long term tradition for this small town.
One day three criminals were caught and hung the normal way, beheaded and there head hung on the fence, after there head was hung, all the town men and women went home to rest until evening of that day as tradition demands, but one young man named "Parrotp" came to the market place earlier that usual, walking hopelessly alone, then he heard someone saying, "I told you, but you wont listen, now we are all dead" he looked and listened closely, the criminals that were killed and beheaded were talking, he was shocked, he looked at them and said so you all can talk with your head alone, no body to support you, worse, your dead, "I Will Go And Tell The King And All The People Of Milikies"
(Head 1): Parrotp, why are you out by this time, go home and act as if nothing happened.
(Parrotp): I Must tell the king, nothing will stop me from telling him.
(Head 2): Parrotp, go home before you get into trouble.
(Parrotp): Ok, i am going.
Parrotp, left, but he had a different agenda, he went straight to the kings house while the king was having a meeting with his officials, he rushed in and,
King:) Parrotp, what is the problem, why are you in such a rush, are you being pursued by a wild animal?
Parrotp): No my king, but i ust saw my ear...
Official 1): Parrotp, how do you mean you saw your ear?
King): Parrotp, is our town hunted, what is it?
Parrotp): My King those criminals we killed and hung their head on the fence is talking, they even talked to me, and they asked mme to go home before i get into trouble.
Official2): Parrotp, are you drunk this evening, have you been smoking?
King): Parrotp, go back to your house, and tomorrow early morning visit the town doctor, your bills will be on me. Good day.
Parrotp): My king i am not lying, i am all right, and i have not been drinking, if you reach there and the heads don't talk cut my head off and add to theirs.
Official 1: That exactly we will do, my King what do you think?
King): Guards ready lets go see what Parrotp, is saying and make sure you bring your axe along.
Gurard 1: Yes my King
Then the King,Parrotp, Gurads and other Officials went towards the market square, when they got there,
Parrotp): Heads talk, i have told the king that you talked to me, so you all talk to him too.
There was no response from the heads, Parrotp, talked to the heads for over 30 minutes but got no response, the the king ordered the guards to cut his head off and join to theirs
After Parrotp's head was cut off and kept on the fence too,
Head1: HAHAHAHA, Stupid man, we asked you to go home before you get into trouble but you did not listen.
All the head laughed at Parrotp, and Parrotp's said to the king
Parropt): King i told you the heads can talk, but you did not believe me, now you killed me too.
King): I did not kill you Parrotp, your mouth killed you, you should not say everything you see and hear, and you should not bet your life on something worthless, this should be a lesson for you, so be careful in your next life.
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BOOM BOOM BOOM, this is it, now you just read this story, i have some questions for you, if you answer it correctly, send me a link to your website i will place it here and talk about it in my other blogs as a story, that is my own way of advertising.
Q1. Why was he named "Parrotp" in this tale?
Q2. What lesson did you learn from this tale.
I wish you all good luck and don't talk too much, because it can hurt you, just like Parrotp, make sure you eat light food at night, and don't dream too much.:) cheers.
One day three criminals were caught and hung the normal way, beheaded and there head hung on the fence, after there head was hung, all the town men and women went home to rest until evening of that day as tradition demands, but one young man named "Parrotp" came to the market place earlier that usual, walking hopelessly alone, then he heard someone saying, "I told you, but you wont listen, now we are all dead" he looked and listened closely, the criminals that were killed and beheaded were talking, he was shocked, he looked at them and said so you all can talk with your head alone, no body to support you, worse, your dead, "I Will Go And Tell The King And All The People Of Milikies"
(Head 1): Parrotp, why are you out by this time, go home and act as if nothing happened.
(Parrotp): I Must tell the king, nothing will stop me from telling him.
(Head 2): Parrotp, go home before you get into trouble.
(Parrotp): Ok, i am going.
Parrotp, left, but he had a different agenda, he went straight to the kings house while the king was having a meeting with his officials, he rushed in and,
King:) Parrotp, what is the problem, why are you in such a rush, are you being pursued by a wild animal?
Parrotp): No my king, but i ust saw my ear...
Official 1): Parrotp, how do you mean you saw your ear?
King): Parrotp, is our town hunted, what is it?
Parrotp): My King those criminals we killed and hung their head on the fence is talking, they even talked to me, and they asked mme to go home before i get into trouble.
Official2): Parrotp, are you drunk this evening, have you been smoking?
King): Parrotp, go back to your house, and tomorrow early morning visit the town doctor, your bills will be on me. Good day.
Parrotp): My king i am not lying, i am all right, and i have not been drinking, if you reach there and the heads don't talk cut my head off and add to theirs.
Official 1: That exactly we will do, my King what do you think?
King): Guards ready lets go see what Parrotp, is saying and make sure you bring your axe along.
Gurard 1: Yes my King
Then the King,Parrotp, Gurads and other Officials went towards the market square, when they got there,
Parrotp): Heads talk, i have told the king that you talked to me, so you all talk to him too.
There was no response from the heads, Parrotp, talked to the heads for over 30 minutes but got no response, the the king ordered the guards to cut his head off and join to theirs
After Parrotp's head was cut off and kept on the fence too,
Head1: HAHAHAHA, Stupid man, we asked you to go home before you get into trouble but you did not listen.
All the head laughed at Parrotp, and Parrotp's said to the king
Parropt): King i told you the heads can talk, but you did not believe me, now you killed me too.
King): I did not kill you Parrotp, your mouth killed you, you should not say everything you see and hear, and you should not bet your life on something worthless, this should be a lesson for you, so be careful in your next life.
----------------------------------------------
BOOM BOOM BOOM, this is it, now you just read this story, i have some questions for you, if you answer it correctly, send me a link to your website i will place it here and talk about it in my other blogs as a story, that is my own way of advertising.
Q1. Why was he named "Parrotp" in this tale?
Q2. What lesson did you learn from this tale.
I wish you all good luck and don't talk too much, because it can hurt you, just like Parrotp, make sure you eat light food at night, and don't dream too much.:) cheers.
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