Saturday, 14 May 2011
Superman Retreats
Superman tired of being your superhero he needs a normal life, please give him a break..
This video was created by me, feel free to use it, but please do not use it without my name written below as the owner and written by me.
Monday, 18 April 2011
Kids are smarter than you think
9-year-old Emily was given an assignment in school to write a story on "My family's ancestors" The purpose was for the kids to understand their heritage.
In search of some answers for her assignment Emily proceeded to interview her grandmother who was not aware of the reason for Emily’s questions.
When she asked her grandmother, "Granny, where did I come from," her grandma being quite nervous about talking with a kid about such a touchy subject in the absence of her parents wanted to buy some time and replied, "Well, sweetie, the stork brought you." Hoping that the subject would be dropped until Emily's parents came back she said no more.
"So, where did Mom come from?"
"The stork brought her also."
"Well, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, sweetie."
"All right, thanks, Granny."
Emily's grandmother did not think anything more about this incident until three days later when she was tidying up and looking at Emily’s desk, read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
In search of some answers for her assignment Emily proceeded to interview her grandmother who was not aware of the reason for Emily’s questions.
When she asked her grandmother, "Granny, where did I come from," her grandma being quite nervous about talking with a kid about such a touchy subject in the absence of her parents wanted to buy some time and replied, "Well, sweetie, the stork brought you." Hoping that the subject would be dropped until Emily's parents came back she said no more.
"So, where did Mom come from?"
"The stork brought her also."
"Well, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, sweetie."
"All right, thanks, Granny."
Emily's grandmother did not think anything more about this incident until three days later when she was tidying up and looking at Emily’s desk, read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
The Questions Kids Ask
four year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”
“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.
“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…
At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”
The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”
“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.
“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…
At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”
Real911 Calls
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
- Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
- Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
- Dispatcher: Excuse me?
- Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
- Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
- Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
- Dispatcher: 911
- Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
- Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
- Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
- Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
- Caller: No
- Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
- Caller: Running from the Police.
- Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
- Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
- Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
- Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
- Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
- Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
- Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
- Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Puppy Love
Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
Facts About Old Men and Women
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.
The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!
Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
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